so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
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