every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
We are all done wearing pants today
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
