I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
