just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Randomize
