I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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