if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
