I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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