I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
