Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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