He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
