I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
