If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
