end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
im six kinds of drunk right now
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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