bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
