What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
