how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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