there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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