Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
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