Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
