I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
