I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
