What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
