the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
