Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Someone shattered a urinal.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
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