hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Drunk is not a location!
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
