oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
