I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize
