I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
