I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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