you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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