Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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