Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
