i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
