Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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