He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
