maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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