i was born a porn star she said
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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