Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Do you remember whose house we're in?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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