I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
