My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
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