Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
