tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
You can't just leave with hair like that
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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