Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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