If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
