Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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