But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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