Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
