my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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