We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
