You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
