We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Randomize
