I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
