my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
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