the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
