I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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