New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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