Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Randomize
