You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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