The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
