Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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