I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Randomize
