I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Panties = found
Randomize
